Just for fun

*Dress Code*

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.


************

*Sick Days*

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


************


*Personal Days*

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.


************


*Toilet Use*

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.


************


*Lunch Break*

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.


************


*Mails*

Don't read junk and forwarded mails.


************


Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.


************

Interesting thing...

1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE:
www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

2. TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE

3. TYPE YOUR ENEMY ON THE 2nd LINE
(Skip your e-mail address...)

4. Click on 'Vizualizar' and watch what happens

Guys' Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear " the rules " From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

**********

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

************

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

************

1. Crying is blackmail.

************

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

************

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

************

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

************

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

************

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

************

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

************

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

************

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

************

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

************

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

************

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

************

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

************

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

************

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

************

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .

************

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

************

1. You have enough clothes.

************

1. You have too many shoes.

************

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

************

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

************

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!

************

Conductor

Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his
Passengers. One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years, tried to
board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus.

Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and
died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police
station, who in turn took him to the court.

The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him
capital punishment.

He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single
chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner
of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage
current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The
judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged
woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus.
Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came
under the bus and died on the spot.

Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in
turn took him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and
gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same
electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of
the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was
strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This
time also to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set
him free, and he returned to his profession.

A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board
the bus. This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier
experiences, stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman
slipped and died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to the
police station and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he
hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge
decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment. The Bus
conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where
there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana
peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high
voltage current was given to him. This time he died instantly
!!!!!!!!!!!

The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions,
but died instantly the third time??

ok........ here is the Answer...... ......

During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor,
therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third
time, he was a good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely
and he died!!!!!!!!

Obviously you gotta revise your science chapter on Electricity ???

40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'


The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.....

Dirty Mind

It was professor smith's first day at st. Johns medical college as a
faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a
classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm
welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He
said,
"Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask
you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student
Suzie, and said,
"Tell me Suzie, which part of the
human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment,
she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a
female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight
around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could
satisfy his query. This time he located a male student Henry, who had already
raised his hand in affirmation to
answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate
answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry
but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high
!!!!!!!(10 times....... ...huh... ...MY
GOD!!)

Laugh for sometime

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of ! the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A tedd! y bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in! Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over ! 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?